Dateline Tatooine: Local Teen Loses Limb in Lightsaber Mishap

Tatooine resident Luke Skywalker, 19, inadvertently sliced off his own hand yesterday in an accidental lightsaber discharge. Lightsabers, lethal laser swords that are widely banned throughout the Empire, were once the signature weapon of the treacherous Jedi Knights. Skywalker, currently in recovery, is scheduled to undergo surgery to attach a new prosthetic hand later in the week. “I’m lucky to be alive,” Skywalker said. “That could just as easily have been my head!”

The lightsaber accident occurred at a remote hut located at the 500 block of the southwestern edge of the Dune Sea. Retiree Ben Kenobi, owner of the hut, reportedly presented Skywalker the lightsaber prior to the accident without cautioning the teen about the weapon’s sensitive activation plate.

“Just as I was picking up the lightsaber,” Skywalker said, “one of my fingers barely grazed the activation plate and the blue blade of energy sprung to life.” Skywalker had never seen or handled a lightsaber before.

“What a horrid incident!” droid witness C-3PO said. “Dreadful, just dreadful! Poor Master Luke.”

“Seconds after my severed hand dropped, Kenobi just bolted for the door! Just bolted!” Skywalker shook his head. “I couldn’t believe it. ‘What about my hand?’ I called after him. But he was gone.” Skywalker said. “And, wouldn’t you know, he took my little Artoo unit with him!”

“I always told anyone that would listen that [Kenobi]’s a crazy old wizard,” Owen Lars, uncle and adoptive guardian of Skywalker told reporters. “And now my nephew’s paid the price with his hand. We’re lucky he didn’t pay with his life. Let that be a lesson.”

Kenobi and the Artoo unit were spotted fleeing the planet, aided and accompanied by Han Solo and Chewbacca, career smugglers purportedly desperate to pay off a large debt owed to crime lord Jabba the Hutt.

When asked why he’d been visiting Ben Kenobi to begin with, Skywalker had this to say, “Long story. Let’s just say NEVER remove a restraining bolt from your Artoo unit.”

 

 

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